sgian_dubh

I was going to write this over on my LJ, but since thier recent fuckup over the writers block prompt, i no longer feel like i want to use that space. Honestly, conflating transness and criminality? Get fucked, LJ. >:( Plus, i feel like i ought to support DW more than i do, and this is a good opportunity to make a re-start.

So. Bumps and bulges is what i want to briefly write about today. I realised the other day that it's nearly been a year since i started taking testosterone injections. A year! And although i really like having testosterone in my body, and although i am scared about the prospect that i might not be able to take it in the future (for whatever reason, health, money issues, drug becomes unavailable etc), i really, really, really wish i'd been able to get top surgery first, cause my dysphoria about my chest is getting markedly worse (and has been for a while). I feel lumpy, misshapen, and i don't like having my breasts, or even nipples touched atm. (i used to be able to have my nipples touched in isolation - i could pretend that they were divorced from the surrounding tissue somehow) It makes me feel exposed and ugly and worse than that, just plain wrong. It's like my body is developing through a bottleneck and i'm coming out all squashed up somehow. It's fucking with my libido, feeling like this. Mind you, trans ppl aren't supposed to even like sex anyway, so i'm sure the doctors and psychs don't see a problem there, but i am realy resenting the 9 months i have to put up with this queasy fear and uncertainty before i can get my chest fixed. The worst thing is, i called this back before i started taking T! I knew that this is not the way i should be developing! I just hope that after the surgery i won't find out that i've "unfolded" all wrong - that the mental and emotional scars from being forced to wear tits for a couple of years longer than i had to haven't been too scarring.

In conclusion - fuck you, medical establishment. Fuck you, dividing treatment up into "reversable" and "non-reversable". Fuck you and yr fucked up idea that my breasts are "healthy tissue". What, you'd rather a messed up person had "healthy tissue", rather than a healthy person didn't?? Screw that. Fuck you for not listening to me, for not believing me when i'm TELLING YOU WHAT I NEED.

Yeah, i'll take yr hormones and i'll like them too. I'll be grateful, don't worry. But still, fuck you.